I don't have anything substantial to say; I just wanted to complain a bit. Sometimes I wish I had never learned anything about Islam so I could've continued living in my state of ignorance and bliss. I was so much happier when I thought I knew what was right. Now that I'm uncertain, I'm always in an uncomfortable situation. I don't know what to believe when I'm at church, I don't know what to believe when I'm at jumuah, I'm in my state of unrest and confusion at all times throughout my day and I rarely get a real break; most distractions only allow me to push it to the back of my thoughts but not forget about it completely. I'm worried about how my life will change. I'm worried about the reactions of my family and friends. I'm worried, of course, about the state of my eternal soul.
Actually, sometimes when doing all this reading and thinking and considering and worrying, it occurs to me that completely giving up on religion would be so much easier. I could still live as a good person but I could sleep late on Sundays and not have to rearrange my lunches on Fridays. I wouldn't have to deal with this internal struggle about which path is correct because I'd be walking my own path. It would be so much easier in so many ways but I can't do it because I know that God, who made the entire universe and created me for a purpose, wants me to love and worship him. Anyway, I'm done whining for now.
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6 comments:
Struggle is good but SO hard. I'm encouraged to pray for you during this season of doubt and confusion, as I'm sort of in a strange season of life myself. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel more at peace. This is a time of immense learning and surrender for you. If you were to escape it, you would miss out on a lot. To struggle and to wrestle and to question and to doubt are all a part of life here on earth. Tomorrow, when I can find it in an old email, I will send you a quote that a friend once sent me that has helped me in my many seasons of doubt and struggle.
-ces
Here's an excerpt from an email that said friend sent me in 2005, when I was going through a time of deep anxiety and confusion:
"'Life is like a see-saw on the deck of a rocky ship.' One of my professors used to tell us this. The saying was helpful to jolt me out of some of my black-and-white ways of thinking. It made me recognize that life is not static, and control is not really possible. I realized that what God wants of me is not to control but to respond out of Christian character to the many different situations He throws my way. In many ways, it makes life easier (I don't have to sit and try to figure everything out) while also making it more challenging (Jesus calls me to love and serve others by his sacrificial example)."
Not sure if this speaks to you or helps you at all, but I wanted to share it with you. Take care!
-ces
I've gotten used to the idea of difficulty with my family and friends but my recent whining stems from another difficulty that is more immediate. Ever since I started seriously considering my beliefs and the possibility of conversion, I've put any possible romantic relationships on hold. I figure there's no point getting involved in with a girl when I have no idea what religion I'll be in another six months. The only reason I'm whining about it now is that I've recently developed a crush on a certain girl, which brings that aspect of my struggle to the forefront.
When I think about it, it seems somewhat trivial; like I keep saying, my relationship with God is more important than my relationships with others. However, it does make me somewhat happy to realize that my religion is having an effect on my everyday life. I'm glad that it's not just something I think about once a week or once a day but something that's with me affecting me constantly.
If you don't mind my asking, is the girl you like a Christian, a Muslim, or neither?
-ces
She's Christian but it doesn't really matter. I've known couples with mixed religions and I don't think it could work with me. I'd like for my partner to be faithful and believing, just as I try to be. If that's the case, I don't see how we could possibly have faith in and believe different things. Obviously Christianity and Islam have many similarities but there are a few fundamental differences that can't be ignored. Even if you both manage to respect each others' beliefs, once children come into the picture, everything gets complicated; in which religion are the children raised?
In any case, even if some people manage to do it, it's not a challenge I want to face. I've known some people whose parents were different religions and the children usually end up being fairly unreligious. I don't know if it's because they're confused from the mixed signals growing up or if religion just wasn't a big part of their lives but I don't want my children to be either of those cases.
I totally agree and think you're wise to sort out your own beliefs before getting involved in a relationship.
I'm praying for you during this time of uncertainty and confusion.
-ces
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