Tuesday, September 4, 2007

More about me

For me, religion had always served its purpose very well. It provided a source of peace, happiness, comfort, and joy. It helped me through tough times and provided an outlet for thanks during happy times. It kept me grounded in many ways, guiding me toward a good way of living and steering me clear of certain disasters.

Now that I've hit this patch of uncertainty in my life, some of that remains but I've also lost some. I still try to live a good life as any religion promotes. However, in my confusion, I've misplaced my joy and comfort. I feel like I'm still a good person but I'm living a life without purpose. I hate not knowing what I believe because I feel like it's the same as not believing anything.

My wandering has turned religion from a spiritual pursuit to a strictly academic one. Until I find God again, I can't find peace. Only then, after I've rediscovered God, can my reading change from seeking religion to seeking guidance and peace. I still pray regularly because God is God, regardless of anything, but they're always slightly tainted with the fact that my vision of God has changed from mysterious in a miraculous, spiritual way to mysterious in a dark, shadowy way. I know He's there but I no longer know anything about him.

I know many people would ask why I'm fretting over this. The unspiritual portion of society would see my doubt and ask why not just ditch religion. Why bother wasting time on something that has been handed down through the generations and has no scientific evidence. Luckily, those among me who are spiritual understand my longing even if they don't share in my uncertainty. Even the most pious person has fleeting doubts about God; whether it's human nature or Satan or modern society, it happens so even they should understand my longing for truth, my yearning for God, and my doubts. Unfortunately, my doubts have just taken a greater hold of me and shaken my beliefs beyond quick repair.

I couldn't stand to live in a world without religion. Some things would definitely be easier; I wouldn't have to bother getting up early on my weekends for church, I could live a looser, freer life without having to worry about morality (although even without morals those behaviors usually carry other consequences,) if everyone believed in the same nothing, there would be no disagreement about what to believe. However, even in my most scientific mode, there must be a God. I can't believe that all of existence is an accident, that life and humanity and art and beauty and love came about as a result of a few random occurrences. Because of God, there is a wonderful universe and through God we have the means to admire it.

One doesn't have to be a Biblical literalist to believe that God created all existence. It is possible to believe in both God and science, regardless of what people might tell you. I'm obviously not an extremist in either sense. I'm neither a religious extremist nor a scientific extremist. I believe that the Big Bang was started and guided by God, I believe that the Earth formed over billions of years under God's supervision, I believe that life was created by God's hand and evolved to it's current state, and I believe that man was created by God with a special spark, a soul that is meant to love each other and to love and worship Him.

I hate that religion is so often depicted as stupid and backwards and I equally hate how religion so often refuses to accept things that are new and different. I especially hate how religion is used as an excuse to perpetrate some of the worst crimes in history. Religion is about guidance and peace and love. There will always be people who disagree, people who are different, but religion teaches love and acceptance. You'll never show people the way or guide them to the truth by killing or enslaving them. Hate only breeds more hate but love will eventually wear cracks in the shell that encrusts people's hearts and will find a place to grow. If you are spreading love, people will accept your love and if you are speaking truth, eventually people will listen.

I feel like I've rambled enough. Hopefully, I'll get into something more meaty next time.

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